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Genuine Curiosity

Author Dwayne Melancon is always on the lookout for new things to learn. An ecclectic collection of postings on personal productivity, travel, good books, gadgets, leadership & management, and many other things.

 

Pretend you create everything that happens to you

Are you familiar with victim mentality? I was talking to someone the other day who epitomized it - no matter what the topic, he claimed that other people were to blame for all of his problems. I tried all my voodoo about envisioning how it could be different, taking responsibility for your own well being, and all that jazz. Nothin' doin'.

This episode prompted a nice little flashback for me:

I was hanging out with an ex-Microsoft guy named Jim McCarthy about 10 years ago at a software development bootcamp, and he threw something out that has stuck with me to this day.

Jim used this notion of "trying on beliefs" a lot, which means you basically pretend that you believe something even though you may not. Sort of like putting yourself in the other guy's shoes.

Anyway, one of the beliefs he'd get people to try on was to "Pretend that you create everything that happens to you. When you find yourself in a situation you don't like, ask yourself what you did to make it happen to you."

If you flip your perspective on its head, you can inevitably come up with something in the past that contributed to your undesirable present. And, more than likely, you can think of something you could've done differently that might have prevented it.

OK, you ask, how does that help me now? For some people, it may not. For others, it might put you in a reflective mood, and you may be able to get to the next step:

Ask yourself what you can do today that will
a) keep it from getting any worse;
b) make up for the past error;
c) make it better

There's almost always something, but it's hard to see unless you look at the problem from a different perspective.

Got problems? Go ahead - try on the belief. Pretend you create everything that happens to you...

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What good managers do

Just read a great post over on Management Craft, in which Lisa talks about the impact of relationships and behavior on management effectiveness.

Lisa's got some great insight to share about how we can destroy or create success purely based on how we treat other people, and how we choose to interact with them.

I've met plenty of abrasive people who deny that their abrasiveness is a choice - they say things like "That's just the way I'm wired." I think that's a crock. They're just happy with the status quo ("It's working for me...")

In Lisa's article, I love premise 4: "Great Managers Do What Others Won't."

That got me thinking about what the best managers I've worked for. What did they do that the others didn't? It was amazingly easy to tell the difference between the best and the rest, and also very easy to rattle off a list of what set them apart. The best have done things like:

  • Taking an interest in my success.
  • Holding me accountable for my commitments.
  • Telling me the truth. Consistently.
  • Giving me the scoop early when big changes were coming, and trusting me to use the information appropriately.
  • Giving me more than I could handle, but helping me get through it.
  • Taking the time to make sure I learned from my mistakes.
  • Telling me that they appreciated what I was doing.
Yep, that's the kind of stuff good managers do. And I think I can get better at it. Read More

What are the right tools for the job?

I just finished reading my SlackerManager friend's note on the Context Agnostic Toolkit for Managers, which lists some technology-related tools that help you out in just about any field. I believe there is another set of tools: a Context Agnostic Mental Toolkit for Managers. Please indulge me in a story, as I attempt to explain.

As you may know from some of my posts, I help out with my son's Boy Scout troop fairly regularly (as an Assistant Scoutmaster). This past weekend, we were at a district Camporee -- that's an annual event in which a bunch of Boy Scout troops from a scouting district gather together.

I was staffing one of the skills stations which dealt with knot-tying. My job was to help Scouts learn to tie knots they didn't know so they could prepare for a time trial, which involved working together as a patrol to:

  • tie a pile of ropes together to connect them between two poles
  • use 8 different knots
  • use the knots in a specific order
  • suspend a piece of wood off the ground in the middle of this rope chain
  • assign the knots to specific scouts so that everyone must participate

I taught a bunch of Scouts some new skills and details about knots. In the process of teaching and judging, I learned and practiced a lot of things:

  • I didn't know all the knots so I had to quickly learn them myself, well enough to teach them (and grade them)
  • I strove for objectivity in grading them so I could have consistency across the scoring
  • I collaborated with other adults to ensure we were applying consistent standards
  • I practiced my coaching and feedback skills to help young guys (with big egos and/or sensitive natures) when their knots were close, but not quite right
  • I counseled people on how to work together more effectively as a team (part of our grading was on cooperation and coordination of effort within the patrol)
  • I encouraged boys that wanted to quit because they thought they might not win to keep going because there is value in the process

I think I learned more than I taught, and now recognize how universal some of the skills I used can be. With that in mind, I think the Context Agnostic Mental Toolkit for Managers includes things like:

Teachability
It's important that managers remain open to learn new things. Even better if you stay on the lookout for new things to learn (that's what I mean by "genuine curiosity.")
Teaching ability
Managers are more effective when they help others learn new skills, and replicate their expertise in others.
Coaching
Similar to teaching ability, but I think it's subtly different. To me, coaching goes beyond teaching skills and crosses over into guiding the perspective and philosophical approach of others. In advanced stages, I'd call it mentoring.
Objectivity
The ability to look at issues objectively, which recognizes the value of activity, but rewards for results.
Compassion
The ability to maintain a perspective which seeks to preserve the human aspect (psyche, ego, soul, etc.) that's part of everyone we manage.
Synergy
The ability to collaborate, work effectively as a team, and make others part of your efforts.
Passion
Being a good manager starts with wanting to be a good manager. But it's maintained by the drive to be a better manager, and the passion to keep that drive strong.
Focus
I once heard that there is nothing more frightening than passion without focus. Could be true. Focus gets things done, and managers get things done.

I know there are more, and I'm by no means a master of the ones on this list. As managers, just like young scouts trying to tie knots they haven't yet mastered, there is value in the process. And there is always value in improving.

What skills would you add to the list?

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Criticism: Constructive, instructive, or destructive?

Skip has an article on "Constructive Criticism" that has some excellent guidelines for providing critical input in a win-win sort of way.  In particular, I agree with Skip's statement that "Providing constructive criticism is an important part of the human improvement process."  

That got me thinking about how success in giving constructive criticism depends so much on what's come before. If you take an interest in your employees, friends, family, etc. on an ongoing basis, it can make a huge difference in how the criticism is received.

Flip it around and think about people who have your tacit permission to give you constructive feedback. It's likely they are people that you know want you to do better, to succeed, to be happy. They've probably also taken the time to learn about what makes you tick, and have earned the right to comment on you by taking an interest and sharing (maybe even exposing vulnerabilities to you).

On reflection, I realize that I often don't take responsibility for my part in the feedback process. So what would "taking responsibility" look like to me? Things like:

Taking the initiative to ask for constructive feedback (giving permission)

Taking the time to learn more about the other person before foisting my feedback on them (earning the right by really taking an interest)

Being willing to be more vulnerable to others (building trust)

Listening for the message without getting defensive (accepting the feedback)

As I pondered this, I recognized some relationships in my life where I haven't been doing so well at some of this. Time to sharpen my saw.

Any points I'm missing?

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Don't be like Howard Hughes

I was talking with a friend the other day on the subject of mentoring and he made an astute observation. He'd just seen "The Aviator" which chronicles Howard Hughes' life. (Apparently, he's been interested in Hughes "since before it recently became fashionable.")

His observation was that Howard Hughes had a lot of eccentricities as a younger man, but never had a mentor to help him "rub off" his imperfections. As Hughes grew older, those eccentricities turned into neuroses and there was still nobody to rub them off. Finally, those neuroses progressed into psychosis and he died a paranoid, phobic man (albeit a very rich one) with little contact with the outside world.

There are a lot of "parts" to mentoring - you have to be willing to ask for help, you have to be willing to accept help, and you have to find someone who's willing to give you help, etc.

I'm not sure which one of those kept Howard Hughes from finding someone to help him rub off the imperfections of his psyche, but I think we can reflect and take this as a challenge.

Learn from Howard Hughes. We may all have the potential to end up like him. But take heart - there are lots of good people who'll help, if you just decide what you want and ask for help getting it.

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Copyright 2005-2015 Dwayne A. Melancon, all rights reserved. Licensed under Creative Commons - see the "About the Author" page for details.