Families are mightier than legislation

I generally try to avoid ranting here, but I'll do just a bit of that today.

In the past couple of years, there have been a lot of tragic acts of violence, such as the one this past week in Boston.  According to what we're told by the media, there is a thread between the perpetrators of violence:  they all had family problems or parental issues, and became bitter about something.

In dealing with some crises within my own family over the past few years, we've gotten some great advice from one of our doctors: spend more time together as a family; pay more attention to what your children are doing ("be nosy" is her description); and eat dinner together as a family.​  It isn't so much the dinner itself, as the excuse to get together and talk about things in a casual but interested way.

This was hard and frustrating at first, and we felt very inadequate (especially for the first year).  In fact, we resorted to "Table Topics" cards in the beginning to help us figure out how to get the conversation going.  Surprisingly, the family dinners every night have made a huge difference in our ability to communicate.

It was tough to have good conversations in the beginning, but we learned to ask better questions and to stay away from emotional lightning rods.  We also learned to be better listeners without jumping right to judgment or attacks.

Slow and steady wins the race

We've been doing this consistently for a couple of years now, and it has made a marked difference in the strength of our family, the moods and outlook of our children, ​and the relationships between us.

We are by no means perfect, but we're better off than we were when we spent all our time running different directions and being "too busy to eat together."  

Of course, I travel a fair amount in my job so we aren't always together at dinner, but there is always one of us parents eating with the kids, talking with them, and keeping tabs on how they are doing.  I also call and text with my kids a lot from the road - which I didn't do in the past.​

 The bottom line?  We thought we were paying attention as parents before - we've found out we were wrong.​

Laws are no substitute for family

I bring this up because I see a lot of laws designed to prevent "the next senseless act of violence," and I don't believe laws will help.  I think we need to find ways for people to spend time with their families and build stronger connections, stronger values, and to provide outlets (safety valves?) for those with serious emotional or psychological stress, who may feel that nobody cares.  No law can do that.​

Making a shift like this can be scary, since you may feel unprepared to have probing conversations with your children, or you may want to be their friend vs. their parent.  Or, you may not know how to deal with the anger and angst of a teenager.​

The only way I know is to "just do it" and get some help from a counselor that can help you develop the skills, confidence, and techniques to get through to the other side.​

It isn't easy, but it's worth it.  Start by doing it for your kids, but trust me - you'll get as much out of it as they will.

Maybe none of this would have prevented any of the recent acts of violence, but I don't think it would have made things worse.​

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Temptation and strengthening your will

I was just reading an interesting article by Peter Bregman on the Harvard Business Review blogs, called "How to Use Temptation to Strengthen Your Willpower."​  It first caught my eye because he was writing about a retreat at a place near where I live in Oregon.

But what really got my attention was the notion of "always wanting more" phenomenon (aka the Hedonic Treadmill) that he describes:​

We relentlessly pursue things and experiences that we think will make us happier. But once we acquire them, we quickly return to our previous level of happiness. So then we look for the next thing.

This sounds familiar to me, as my love for gadgets is kind of like this, to name one of my "vices."  Another thing in his article resonated with me, as well:​

Maybe getting the object of our desire isn't what we really desire. Maybe it's the desire itself which we desire. In other words, maybe it's more pleasurable to want things than to have them.​

In other words, maybe the quest for what we want is worth more than getting it.  In some cases, I think that is certainly true, but we also need to obtain​ enough of our desired outcomes to drive our sense of progress, as well as to allow us allow us to move to the next phase of our journey.

The big question:  when does our questing become detrimental?  From my experience, there is a fine line between healthy focus and obsessive / compulsive pursuit, or even an addiction.  This is where I find that an objective coach or mentor can be a huge ally - whether it is a friend, coworker, roommate, spouse, or someone else you can trust to be straight with you (like a "sponsor" in a 12-step program).

The other aspect that I really liked about Bregman's article is the notion of using delayed gratification to make the experience more pleasant once you release the tension.  I encourage you to read what Bregman has to say - it is really good.​

Are the people around you sucking you dry?

A long time ago, I had a mentor that taught me a little trick:  When you think about the people you spend time with, figure out if they are adding energy or taking energy away from you; spend more time with people who add energy to your life, and you'll be better off.

Time for an energy audit

With that in mind, I want to share a little trick to help you evaluate your energy "bank account."  For a week, walk around with an index card in your pocket and record the interactions you have with others. 

As you can see on the cards below, it's pretty simple.  One side of the card is the "plus" side and the other is the "minus" side; each side has a narrow column and a wide column.  When you have a significant interaction with someone, simply decide whether it added energy to your life or took energy away.

Write the person's name in the narrow column, on the appropriate side of the card.  Next to it, write a very short note to remind you what you talked about.

If you run out of space on the card, simply start a new one.

What's the net-net?

At the end of the week, study your cards and see if you've noted any meaningful trends. For example:

• Are there any people on the list that consistently drain energy from you?  If so, are there ways you can spend less time with them or take other actions to minimize their draining effect?  For example, are there specific topics that you should be avoiding?
• Are there any people (or even topics) that consistently energize you?  If so, what can you do to manipulate your time so that you spend more time with those people, or spend more time on those topics?

I do this periodically, and I find it helps.  On occasion, I identify a friend I want to "fire" and spend as little time with them as possible.  This does wonders for me.  If you can't get away from them entirely (if, for example, they are a coworker that you must work with, or a family member you just have to deal with) then try to come up with other coping mechanisms to limit their negative influence.

How To Stop Ruining Your Own Life

While preparing your goals for the coming year, have you reviewed what you did last year? Were you happy with the results? If the answer is no, maybe some further introspection is required - and I have a few simple questions you can use to get right to the point.

What have you done?

A long time ago, a mentor of mine used to tell me:

“Pretend that you create everything that happens to you. When you you find yourself in a situation that you're not happy with, ask yourself, 'What have I done to create the situation for myself?'  

"In most cases, you'll find something that you did - or failed to do - that brought you to this point."

I've used this technique many times on my own, and I love it.  This method forces you to turn the tables on yourself and look at things in a different light.

Once you identify what you've done to create your own bad situation, then ask yourself:

"What can I do in the future to create different outcomes that are more desirable?"

As you come up with possible solutions you want to try out, write them down and resolve to try altering your behaviors in the future.  Then, monitor yourself to see how these changes impact the outcomes.

A personal example

I used to work with someone that dumped half-finished projects in my lap and expected me to save the day by getting them done.  Because I wanted the company to be successful, I'd take them on and finish the projects, they would take credit for the results, and I'd end up really irritated.  But I kept doing it anyway (I know, shame on me).

During one of my reflection exercises, I became consciously aware of what I'd been doing.  I vowed never to make another "diving catch" to do something for this person that they should have done for themselves.  To make this easier, I came up with several useful strategies to say no gracefully and I put my new plan into practice.

A few months later, I was much happier, and this person's poor performance became noticeable enough for our boss to address it as a performance issue.

In other words, this really works (at least for me).  Let me know how it goes for you.

Reflect on the old year, plan the new year

Last week, I wrote about Beeminder, to help motivate you to keep your New Year's resolutions, and a few weeks ago, I reviewed the book "Your Best Just Got Better," which is a great book to read to figure out how to set meaningful goals.

This week I want to share some tools and methods to get past the "writer's block" that often stalls people when they sit down to write their goals and resolutions.

Getting your goals out of your head

It's pretty common for people to carve out a few cycles this time of year to make plans, new year's resolutions, and such.  I'm a very visual person, so I find that using a mind map helps me organize my thoughts and stimulates my thinking.  My tool of choice is MindManager from Mindjet, but you can find lots of other mind mapping alternatives on the other end of Google (FreeMind, for example, is free and Open Source).

I organized my map into three main "zones" (which you can see in the diagram below):

1. A review of last year, where I identify highlights, lowlights, and missed opportunities
2. A look ahead to help me frame my main areas of focus (more thematic or directional in nature)
3. Making more concrete commitments I want to achieve (specific commitments and projects I want to focus on)

I've included my blank map below, and you can download my "New Year Reflection" mind map here.  You can also launch an interactive (but not editable) version of the "New Year Reflection" mind map via this link (give it a bit of time - it has to download a Flash-based player).

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Feel free to customize it so the prompts are more meaningful to you.  And, if you use this approach, please let me know how it works out for you.

Still stuck? Try thinking about it another way...

If you'd rather think about your goals in terms of the roles and "categories" in your life, I have another template that may be useful, as well.

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You can download my "2013 Success Planning" mind map here.  And, if you don't have MindManager or a compatible alternative, the interactive (but not editable version of 2013 Success Planning can be accessed via this link (give it a bit of time - it has to download a Flash-based player).  In this map, the "writing prompts" are in the Notes attached to each of the major categories - click on the little notepad icons and you'll see the prompts over in the notes pane on the right.