I stumbled across an old file on my hard drive today that brought back a chuckle. It was kind of like finding quarters between the cushions of the couch. Back in the day, I used to print these out on adhesive labels and apply them to various pieces of office equipment, devices, and things like that.
I have no idea where they came from (I didn’t write them, but I wish I did). For now, I’ll just share a few of them here:
WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
CAUTION: This product contains minute, electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of Heisenberg's "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact Antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass (and thus its weight) is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.